I'm going to confess something in this blog. Prepare your hearts for this now. Here it is: I am a fearful person. There I said, or wrote it actually. I know, I know. Whoa. Brand new information. But seriously, I am a fearful person. Give me a great situation, any situation, and I can probably come up with no less than ten things that could potentially go wrong. I don't purposefully seek out new situations because of this and have, in the past, missed out on some great experiences. Maybe this is why snowboarding was so exciting for me. Something new and extremely frightening and I did it. If you haven't read those blog posts yet, don't. Just know that I am an amazing snowboarder :)
I never truly recognized how much fear played a role in my life until after college. Before then, I simply considered myself a worrier and just carried on. It wasn't until a series of events after college that I became aware of how big fear is in my world.
It was a rainy Monday afternoon in July. That morning, I had just allowed another opportunity to slip away because I was afraid. I was sitting in the living room, staring out the window at the rain when my mom came in and sat down with me. She never said a word and I just began to cry. I had no idea what was wrong with me, I just knew that I was afraid. Of what I didn't know. But the fear was BIG. She held my hand and told me that after discussing it, she and my dad felt that it was best if I went to see a counselor. Looking back on this now, I know that this had to have been a hard step for my parents. To acknowledge that one of their children was going through something that they couldn't fix could not have been easy. I was a little unsure of the prospect of going to counseling. I thought, then, that counseling was for crazy people and for people getting married (and I wasn't getting married, so.... :)) But, my mom made the phone call anyway, and that Friday I experienced my first counseling session.
My dad came with me and sat in the waiting room. I remember what I wore, what we talked about, and I remember walking out of the room feeling like a little bit of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And we had just talked about the steps involved with counseling! Over the course of the next few months, I detailed certain events in my life and examined my thoughts. Fear was a constant thread in those thoughts and that fear led to a cycle of events that were easily identified in my life. I remember one particular session when Sara, my counselor, asked me a question that changed my life. I had just finished describing an event where I experienced almost debilitating fear. When I was finished, she asked "What's the truth?" I just sat there for a moment and then said I didn't understand the question. She then repeated herself "What's the truth?" She then explained that if I believe that God is in control, then He is in control in all situations. Even the ones that scare the life out of me. I had a choice to make. To live in the fear or accept that God has given me every place I step my foot. To believe in Truth.
There is a song that I have heard a lot recently, "Forever Reign". Some of the lines in it go,
You are peace, You are peace when my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true, even in my wandering
Singing these words the first time was one of the most peaceful moments of my life. Because, for the first time, in a long time, maybe even ever, I believe them. I believe that He is Truth and Peace. I believe this because I have experienced it. I might wake up some mornings afraid to face the day but I am quickly reminded that He is Truth, simply because I have woken up.
Fear is no longer at the forefront in my life. I have the snowboarding pictures to prove it :)